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I'm (37/Transwoman) not sure what to do about my relationship with my BF (33/Cismale anymore, and it's driving me crazy. [Long Post]

2020.07.26 23:53 xroads2020 I'm (37/Transwoman) not sure what to do about my relationship with my BF (33/Cismale anymore, and it's driving me crazy. [Long Post]

Hi, I couldn't find a specific sub for trans relationship advice, so I'm posting here. Also, I don't really think trans relationships should be treated as different from any other relationship, but that's besides the point. My being trans might impact your advice to me though, hence the mention.
I've been dating for about 16 months now. We met online, and this relationship is my first, even though I'm 37, purely because I'm trans. Every other man has sought to only fuck me, refuse to date/meet etc in public, and wanted me as a fetishisation of his lust, but little else. Which is why current BF is so different - in this time, I've met his family, friends and have hung out with them on numerous occasions. (They don't know I'm trans, but he's clear he will support me if I wish to tell them. I pass perfectly, 99.99% of the time - ie no one can 'tell' I'm a trans girl). This is the first time any man has been so inclusive of me in his life, and while this is almost a given in most cis relationships, that it took me almost 40 years to find a man who'd do so, may give you some indication how how rare a relationship like this is for a girl like me.
Which is why my biggest fear was being single again, but I'm working on it. I know I will probably never find a relationship like this again, and I'm okay with being single forever - I just want to be sure I need to give this up. I live in a country which is very regressive when it comes to most things LGBT+ and counselling/therapists etc also are hopelessly uninformed about LGBT+ issues and gendered relationships like mine, so I can't really find one who'd be good for me.
I've been the sole earning member for us throughout our relationship. He pays for nothing. He lives with me, and I take care of rent, utilities, entertainment expenses, and everything else. We recently got pets on his insistence (he got the second pet without asking me), and I pay for all of that too. He claims to have big dreams, but apart from feeble attempts at starting a venture of his own, has done little to build himself up in all the time we've been together.
He also cheated on me virtually, consistently, throughout our relationship for the first six months, and when caught out said two things - he considered sexting within his personal space, and it doesn't affect our relationship, and a couple of months later, reiterated he didn't feel the need to stop, and if I wanted sexual attention from him, I needed to try harder because he had options.
A couple of months ago, I even tried bugging his phone through an online website, but it didn't work. I hated myself for doing so, and it didn't bring me closure either. I still end up checking his phone sometimes. He has always had full access to all my devices - and still does.
He refuses to help with chores during this time (the pandemic and whole stay-at-home period) - I clean, cook, and figure out stuff around the house. (We have a cleaning lady come weekly, which I pay for too. I've told him I'd rather not, because of the risk of Covid and also because $$$, but he doesn't want to 'waste his time doing that shit').
I've given over my home to him and the pets, and I can't stand the mess, which he doesn't mind at all. He refuses to pick up after himself, or clean up in general, and doesn't understand why I fuss about it so much. I need a clean, tidy home in which to feel relaxed and at peace - clutter makes me anxious, and now I have only one room to myself which I've barred everyone from entering, including him. It's also where I work.
We have also not had sex in about five months. Nothing, even during this pandemic, when apparently that's all couples were doing at home. I'm physically demonstrative but I cannot help thinking back to his words of me trying harder, and between work, chores at home and other stresses, I feel very undesirable. I have to explicitly ask him for physical contact, and now, in public, while I still continue to use a nickname for him, he refers to me only by my actual name. It might not seem much, but to me feels like one more way in which he's distancing himself.
I understand most women would have bailed ages ago, but like I said, I rationalised every bit of this, but now am not sure anymore. I don't mind the payments - a lot of people stand in while their SO's are in trouble, and I saw it as just that. Cleanliness and chores are a usual bugbear for most people, and in the larger scheme of things, I figured this to be minor.
But it's all adding up, and I feel I am losing two major things with him - I don't trust him anymore. I don't trust he won't physically cheat, that he will stand up and be there if I need him to, and that I can depend on him in case of an emergency. And I am losing respect for his lack of effort - he talks of ambition but does little about it, and am extrapolating his shortcomings there into other parts of the relationship as well.
I'm in tears as I write this, because I don't know what to do except reach out to you guys for help. I can't speak to my folks about this - My mom is so happy I'm in a relationship - she feared the worst for me when I came out to her, and my career and this relationship have given her hope for me. I've been unfocused at work because of this as well.
In all this, I must add he's very happy in this relationship, from his perspective. His major grouse is boredom, because I work long hours and am not available enough for him.
EDIT: I realized I didn't add things I do like, to be fair. He's pushed me to travel when I was quite a recluse. He's been with me on important steps like changing documents (for a transperson, this can be a nightmare), and introduced me to his interests like biking, technology etc. Can't say he's shown much of an interest in my passions though.
I love him, and I really want to know how to talk to him about all of this. Is there a way I can salvage this? Or do I just leave? I want to make it work, but at this point, I really need to feel not taken for granted like I do now. This relationship priorities only him, and I want to be considered equally as well. This love hurts too much for me to live with it, and I'd really appreciate your help fixing this, if you think I could.
Thank you for reading this rant!
submitted by xroads2020 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.04.27 10:47 phantom_0007 It's really funny how most of the FDS users defending the subreddit seem to think our lives revolve around them.

So if you look through my post/ comment history, you'll find an FDS user saying (paraphrasing here), "All these TRAs are so emotional. They probably cry themselves to sleep at night after we refuse to use appropriate pronouns. Yoga would help you deal with your emotions." Young lady, the country my parents are from is the actual birthplace of yoga, don't hit me with that shit.
You'll also find a particular transphobic FDS mod who might look very innocuous at first glance, but when you read her posts on GenderCritical and PinkPilledFeminism, you see how deep the rabbit hole of bigotry goes. Not to mention that FDS's defence for banning transpersons from the subreddit is "we had men claiming to be trans women so they could gain access". Now the solution to that would be to low-key stalk them on Reddit -- let's not pretend FDS doesn't stalk dissenters' profiles anyway, so this wouldn't be a hard job for them -- and ban people who are actually cis men from the subreddit. If somebody's lying, they're bound to slip us somewhere.
A lot of users (who are presumably on the fence deciding whether or not they should leave) have very innocently asked me what parts of FDS are racist. I've seen comments on FDS disparaging Black men and Indian men as a whole. And let's just say that they are not few and far between. Sure, cultural misogyny exists and we should call it out, but is saying these men have small peepees really going to help your cause? If you understand that it doesn't, at least acknowledge that your words online have consequences for actual real-life feminists in second-/ third-world countries who are currently engaged in grassroots-level work in their respective societies. Misandrists like these are part of the reason we women can't have nice things. It's one thing to be pissed off, and another to be so angry that you sabotage your own chances at ever receiving justice/ dismantling the patriarchy on both a legal and social level. These people keep telling us to get a grip when they don't have one on reality themselves.
I've also come across this very same mod posting a call to action on GenderCritical to brigade AgainstHateSubreddits, you'll need to scroll quite a bit but you'll find it in the end. I wonder if they ended up doing that or if it was just another empty promise, you know, like the ones they make when they tell us yOu'Re AlL qUeEnS.
Women on that sub that are supposedly "left wing" have no problem being associated with a transphobic and homophobic subreddit. You're no better than the "basket of deplorables" you claim to stand so firmly against.
Another user on FDS asked me if I thought puberty blockers had no side effects just because I said the procedure was reversible. Do these people have no reading comprehension? Puberty blockers are medicines, of course they're going to have side effects... unless you somehow manage to make blockers that only target one isozyme, which is ridiculously difficult to do, and takes a minimum of two to five years considering the information we have today -- not counting clinical trial failures. And there was another comment saying that "women who are uncomfortable with their bodies being sexualized by men are told to go on puberty blockers". Who are these people trying to fool? Now I know only a few trans people personally, and each of them has gone to multiple therapists to seek advice or to work through their problems (speaking in general here). Only an idiot would immediately advise a girl to go on puberty blockers without really exploring the root of her emotions or making sure everything else is fine. And there are a lot of checks and balances involved in these procedures.
I'm just sick of these people spreading misinformation and trying to pass it off as "dating advice". Like no, what you're saying is bullshit and has been disproved years ago. They have no reason to pretend anymore other than making sure they keep getting subscribers to dump their bucket of hate onto. It's really shitty, especially if you look at the user overlap with the C-PTSD subreddit. A lot of women on there have been abused by their partners in relationships, or have been dealt a shitty hand, or are in a transitory period in their lives, and these people have no qualms about essentially taking advantage of them and trying to inject them with all of their own vitriol. Just look at the flair hierarchy, it's completely nuts.
I'm sure there are some cool people on there, but in my book, if you refuse to acknowledge that subreddit has a bigoted bent, I can't engage with you as a fellow liberal LGBTQ-friendly feminist, no matter what these loonies say about liberal feminists being pickmes or whatever bullshit new term they've come up with in the past couple of weeks.
My therapist told me a few months ago not to let negative emotions fester, so here I am.
End rant.
Do you guys know of any positive women's only spaces on reddit that don't have such a misandrist circlejerk party thing going on, besides TwoXChromosomes? Thanks.
submitted by phantom_0007 to exfds [link] [comments]


2020.01.08 23:12 dontwitnessme Getting over insecurities as a ftm?

I've been single since I was 17 years old - I'm now 24, soon 25, and it's really making my self esteem get worse and worse for every year that passes. My biggest issue is not being man enough - and when dating a man I can only see people rejecting me for not having the right "equipment". Even though I've taken hormones for almost 4 years and always pass as male it feels very awkward whenever I'm interested in a person. I'm also not confident enough to do one night stands, which has made my self esteem even worse.
I've tried online dating, but I pretty much always chicken out because I'm afraid of rejection and disappointing someone if we actually were to meet.
Does anyone have experience here with dating as a transperson, or with dating a transperson? I'd love to hear everything
submitted by dontwitnessme to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2017.10.15 19:00 ClintJCL My facebook post for National Coming Out Day 2017

Post exceeds reddit's maximum text length! lol
https://clintjcl.wordpress.com/2017/10/12/repost-of-national-coming-out-day-facebook-post/
Here's the beginning of it, but you'll have to click through to read to the end:
National Coming Out Day, Supplemental:
What you are about to read is, for me, the most important (and long) post I'll ever make in my life so far. For others, it's maybe just a whiny waste of time; too goddamn long, drawn out, & dramatic. I just want to warn you this post is probably going to take like 30 minutes of time to read, and I apologize in advance for the level of effort required for this one. It's a doozy. But here's your chance to get a more complete picture of who I am -- Only Carolyn and Beth (I love yous!!) have that complete picture, currently.
This is a confessional.
Most people who have known me know what my primary interests are: Computers, music (punk/metal/industrial/cartoon, and concerts), video (cartoons, movies), games (board games, video games), socializing (hanging out, parties, camping, festivals,), people (especially the ladies), and of course sex (like most humans)!
But most people also know that I am a bit...off. I can be a little...difficult. I'll be nice to myself and leave it at that. I'm socially awkward, and it's taken me a long time to be as cool as I am now, which is not that very. I test halfway into Asperger's Syndrome, test higher on the autism spectrum than over 98% of adults, test as a borderline HSP (highly sensitive person), and test an almost-as-maximum-as-possible HSS (high sensation seeker). I have low-grade depression & low-grade alcoholism; a general need for substance use; incredibly low empathy; problems with attention; and traces of sociopathy, narcissism, & borderline personality disorder.
But while being a very open and vocal person -- always talking about all the many things that I loved & hated.... I was also hiding a lot about myself, living a lie, avoiding talking about many deep truths that were directly affecting me, and coping with a deep issue dating back almost as early as I can remember. I have been coping with having a so-called "gender identity disorder".
When I previously came out, on Oct 11 2016, I stated that I was bisexual, pansexual, polyamorous, kinky, a crossdresser, genderqueer and/or gender-fluid ... Which was a lot of labels to suddenly add to one's public identity at the same time ... yet ... I still wasn't being fully honest with everyone else... or even myself!
It's far more accurate to state, today, explicitly and without ambiguity, that I am transgender.
I am trans; I am transgender; I am transfeminine; I am a trans female; I am a transgender female; I am a transwoman [preferred trans term]; I am a woman [preferred general term].
And I am currently transitioning to be a full-time female. And really have been for some time. Since the beginning of 2015 when I stopped cutting my hair & started losing weight. But even more specifically, since I started hormones at the end of July (basically August 1st).
So anyway, as horribly awkward and controversial as this may be.... For me, it's do or die. So it's happening. And it's not up for debate. But I need to let people know -- because "the questions" have already begun -- so this is me letting you know.
I really think some people had this MOSTLY figured out. (Who had? I'm curious. Lemme know.) I've been hiding it less and less over the past year. But the jig is up, it's time to come clean, come out of the final closet, and stop living a lie.
POLY SIDE-COMMENT: Being polyamorous just makes everything that much more confusing for everybody to comprehend, too :) Sorry :) Our lives are different than 99.9% of peoples', and probably incomprehensible to 90% of people. You, the reader, may never be able to understand our lives.
PARENT/FAMILY COMMENT: I thought it was comically funny--
and cosmically unfair--that Carolyn & Beth have both had to deal with having awkward conversations with their parents about my "gender stuffs", but that I haven't had to deal with conversations with my own family about my "gender stuffs". Mom, Dad, Britt & Chris, everyone else family-wise: I'm sorry for the weaseliness. This is how I have to do things. I'd rather go through this awkward process as few times as possible, and definitely not in person. This is like ripping one huge band-aid off, instead of 1,000 tiny band-aids. And Mom and Dad, did you really suspect nothing? I really doubt it. See you at Thanksgiving? No need to change my name on any Christmas presents already labeled? Lol? I won't complain if I get a women's jacket? Lol.
WHAT NEXT?
I'm not done. I need to talk about some shit -- BUT MAKE SURE TO READ THE "ADVICE FOR PEOPLE" SECTION AT THE BOTTOM...... More writings on other stuff will come out later this week.
--------- ***** ON HOW THIS HAS FUCKED ME UP AND MADE ME FEEL: ***** ---------
Holy shit I'm not at all happy about this, in terms of life convenience. This is harder, not easier. Why can't I reroll my character's stat, and get a generic character that isn't special? I was born in the wrong time for this! It's inconvenient! It's a pain in the ass! It's expensive! We're maybe $13K down in the past year alone, and future expenses will most likely make that seem like just the beginning.
It has, for the majority of my life, fucked me up in all kinds of ways -- usually without me realizing it.
As a child -- and as an adult -- I've always felt kind of lonely and unconnected from people -- and I think this has been exacerbated by the fact that it's hard to have a true connection to a person when you aren't even your true self. (Devi Lyrics: "When I say that I've had surgery, I mean I've had a ski mask stapled on permanently.")
(My neurodivergent state of being hasn't helped, either.)
This has caused me to seek connections to people in ways that are sometimes excessive.
I feel like "extreme extroversion" is occasionally a coping mechanism for some kind of self-problem -- and maybe my extreme extroversion was really just me looking for the validation from other people that I could not give to myself. I feel like Andrea had this "extreme extroversion syndrome" in common with me, and seeing it in her taught me something about myself. She used her love of speaking & spoken languages to connect to more people than someone who did not know those things, and I used my love of programming & computer languages to connect to more people than those who did not know these things. We both were making out-of-country friends growing up, and connecting to people like crazy...trying to increase the pool of eligible friends to be large enough. Large enough for what? Why, to include a true friend!
When you have low self esteem, you believe you need to meet more people to find those that can tolerate you, because the percentage that WILL tolerate you is close to 0. We both had tools and career interests that were both really self-serving ways to be able to connect with more people. Seeing her cope with her problems helped me realize that some of my behavior was not behavioral preference, but me failing to cope with my own problems. Instead of connecting with others, I needed to be connecting with myself--because, for the most part, I just feel a coldness from most people. Or hollow words. Everyone hurts; I'm chopped liver, and all sore spots. I really do need real connections, but I'm going to cope with this by being my true self, instead of by attempting to be friends with every warm body I meet. It. Doesn't. Work.... I'm. Too. Different... I don't even think the 'maximizing the friend pool' strategy is a bad strategy. I plan to continue to do that. But I was doing it for the wrong reasons.
So as I was saying, this has, for the majority of my life, fucked me up in all kinds of ways -- usually without me realizing it:
My well-being, my self-confidence, my ability to attach to people correctly, my ability to maintain relationships correctly, my ability to be a good husband, my ability to date, to be comfortable having sex with people, my mental health, my physical health, my finances ($13K down already! It's my entire fucking car again!), my ability to enjoy myself at vanilla social parties, my ability to enjoy myself at kinky sexy parties, my ability to know what to do with my life. (Violent femmes lyrics: "Everything everything everything everything.")
Try having way too much dysphoria to be comfortable naked. It's a bringdown. When everyone hops in the hottub, I leave the party. I've been shamed in front of the whole party, for not being willing to drop trou. It was mortifying, it made me feel like less of a person, I did not appreciate the pressure or the shaming, I couldn't tell people (or even myself) all the reasons why I was not cool with it, and I'm glad the person who did this to me drank himself to death, because he hurt me. In so many different ways.
----------- ***** THE ROLE OF ALCOHOL: ***** --------
Speaking of alcoholic assholes.... I don't really remember, say, 2003-2011, very well at all. Yay alcohol?
(Devi lyrics: "All the time that I've wasted--I just want to burn through the rest of my life. Everytime that I say anything, I'm so FUCKING humiliated by my self! I'm afraid. I just want you to know. Please don't come near me. I just want to dig deeper down in this well.")
I know I worked a job for 4.5 yrs, still my lifetime record. I know built an addition to my house. I know I then took 4 yrs off work. I know I did some parties and social things with some people -- pretty much none of whom I see nowadays. I don't really remember what else happened.
I'm not really sure when the daily drinking tapered off. I know Carolyn stopped the daily drinking a few months before I did, and that I HAVE NO RECOLLECTION OF ANY OF THIS. I don't even remember that this event occurred. It's a story Carolyn tells me. It rings no bell. I have a hole in my head where some of my life used to be. (Nine Inch Nails lyrics: "Head like a hole, black as your soul, I'd rather die, than give you control" - It's like I would rather die from drinking myself to death than give control to my feminine self..)
I did all this to myself. And for what? To look forward to death? To "have fun", but not even remember it, get fat, kill brain cells (alcohol does, marijuana does not), sleep poorly, work poorly, be dehydrated, reduce liver function, not having time to process issues, not having time or will for self-care? What's the fucking point? We should have pulled each other out much sooner. We lost years. But we did. Carolyn yanked us out of the abyss, and then I pulled us the rest of the way up. It took both of us, and a medical scare, to get to the level of consumption we are at now.
--------- ***** SO MANY DOUBTS: ***** ---------
So YES, I've been avoiding this thing. "Maybe I'm not trans?",
"Maybe I'm more cisgendered than transgendered?", "Maybe I'm not far enough into the transgendered spectrum that I can ignore my trans side and continue to bask in my privilege and not ever come out of the closet?", "Maybe I can just explore this sometimes, and not deal with it all the time?", "Maybe I can be bigender -- both genders?", "Maybe I'm agender and can just be androgynous, or nothing?", "Maybe I'm gender-fluid, and shouldn't transition, so that I can maintain my male-female fluidity that I've enjoyed for so long?".......
"Maybe this is just how my bisexuality makes me feel sometimes?", "Maybe I just like looking at transwomen?", "Maybe I just like boobs enough that I want a set on my chest to feel up all the time?", "Maybe this is just a foil for increasingly hating men, their violence, and their aggression?", "Maybe this is just a foil for increasingly hating myself, my violence, and my aggression?", "What if I'm doing this because I'm a failure as a man?", "Maybe I just want an excuse to diet?",
"Maybe I just want a fresh start and a creative solution for re-inventing myself, and this is a way to give that an illusion of legitimacy?", "Maybe this is just a mid-life crisis?", "Maybe this is just a creative solution for depression?","Maybe I'm so bored with life that the novelty is the thing that is actually appealing to me, and I don't realize it's not authentic?", "Maybe I'm just seeking attention for myself?", "Maybe I'm so compulsive and non-self-aware that this is simply the next hole I dig myself into before realizing I've wasted even more of what little time I have left?",
"Maybe I just want increased sexual attention, and could do that without making major changes to my body?", "Maybe I just like women so much that I fetishize them so much that I want to be one, but for fetish reasons, and not for actual gender identity reasons?", "What if I get there, don't like it, and can't reverse some very important things?" [male-sexual-dysfunction for 75% is not something people realize hormones actually do...and many transwomen often say the new orgasms are better and full-body, BUT WHAT IF THEY AREN'T? Cause I don't like the butt stuff as much as most of my people, so my options may be limited], "What if I should just get a boob job and surgical feminization but not take hormones specifically to protect male sexual function?",
"What if I die poor, homeless, and alone, just because I valued my identity and well-being more than the practicality of living?", "What if I just crossdress, then I can still go to McDonald's as a privileged male who has far less possibility of being attacked", "What if Carolyn wouldn't be attracted to me?", "What if women won't be attracted to me?", "What if men are TOO attracted to me?", "What if nobody would be attracted to me?" [ironically, I want to fuck myself for the first time in my entire life,haha], "What if I can never pass?" [usually true for MtF-trans in their 40s, but not 30s... I waited 10yrs too long],
"What if my family and/or friends disown me?", "What if I can only find trans friends, and it's back to the lonely existence of a huge geographical distance being between me and my friends?", "What if I can't travel because a lot of the country is no longer safe for me?", "What if I can never get a fair shake in a police encounter?", "What if my feminine voice just sounds like I'm doing a goofy cartoon character?",
"What if my neighbors burn my house down or vandalize my car?", "What if I actually have to use my concealed carry permit to defend myself from a transphobic attacker?" [1st time I'm attacked, I won't go unarmed again; 2nd time I'm attacked, I will end that person to save their next victim], "What if the reason he attacked me was that I goaded him, but in doing so, I save someone in the future who would not have been armed, and who would have been killed, but then go to jail for saving that future person, because police and judges will be biased against me?", "What if I need facial reconstruction surgery after an attack, because I was scared to carry my gun, because I was scared of going to jail after righteously using it, because I was scared a jury in a country full of Trump-voters would not give a transwoman defending herself via the 2nd amendment a fair shake in court, and will never look the same again, because an empowered transphobic trumpster attacked me after I goaded them for being a piece of human shit?",
"What if I can never get a programming job again? What the fuck can I do? I don't know anything else & am kind of bad at adulting, having coasted on privilege the whole time", "What if I am just doing this because I'm guilty of the privilege I've had, and want to punish myself", "What if I'm doing this for all the right reasons, but still can't succeed?", "What if I'm doing this for all the right reasons, succeed, but still want to change my mind?"
Could you even get through that list? The doubts go on, near-infinitely. And can be dwelled on, near-infinitely. Or at least for 20-40 years, for me.
"Am I really trans?" being the big one. (Devi lyrics: "Your place will consume and then deny ya, Make you feel like sugar in saliva, It'll jinx and hex and echo and ride ya, but it'll still want you when you go.")
--------- ***** THERE WERE SIGNS: ***** ---------
But I have to continually remind myself that I've gone through things cisgendered people don't go through. Like 30 appointments of laser hair removal and electrolysis, or having spent 1,000+ hrs reading up on how to transition, or just thinking about it as much as I have. That's not intellectual curiosity.
And some of the signs of my transness were always there (super-sexist list warning, sorry):
  • I was mistaken and asked if I was a girl a LOT while growing up.
  • My favorite color was pink.
  • I was self-conscious about my bits.
  • I loved pantyhose and skirts and would run under them, not to check out the ladyparts, but because I liked the feel.
  • I mostly emotionally attached to women when I was young. NOT men.
  • I preferred to play imagination games more than building things and sports (though I love games, & still played baseball, bicycle games, and sometimes basketball)
  • I was never handy with stuff (couldn't change a tire until my 30s).
  • I was never strong (still don't know what a pull-up feels like, could never make 'standard' on anything).
  • I despised sports & gym.... Greatly preferring home ec or art or music class.
  • I'm not into cars and still can't identify most of them.
  • I have a poor sense of direction. (this is one of my sexist items, sorry)
  • I was ALWAYS picked last in all-male gym situations -- for co-ed gym situations, I would be picked only after all of the guys (and some of the girls).
  • I've always chosen female characters when playing video games.
  • I'd choose female usernames for anonymous online accounts.
  • I spent time practicing crossing my legs like the girls in middle school. I told myself at the time it was just admiration.
  • I often sat (and stand) in ways that most males do not
  • I curl my body up in a ball instead of stretch out
  • I'm not a romantic initiator -- Guys are supposed to ask girls out, but all 4 of the significant women in my life (Jackie,Carolyn,Andrea,Beth) initially approached me, not the other way around.
  • I lost my virginity to someone who had shorter hair than me, and was more sexually aggressive than me, and who was physically larger than me... Not a super-gendered thing, but, i must admit, these words probably describe a typical female experience more than a typical male experience, so I figured I'd throw that in there.
  • I don't mind playing around with girls without fucking them, sometimes not even taking up an open offer to do that. PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex just isn't as high up on my agenda as it is with cisgendered males. It's a good time, but it's not the main goal of a play session for me, or the center of my sexuality.
  • I've always loved My Little Pony (1st gen even) [4th gen My Little Pony accelerated my transition by years--not joking.]
  • I have small shoulders.
  • I have small feet.
  • I don't have large hands.
  • I don't have hairy hands or arms or butt cheeks.
  • No back hair whatsoever.
  • I'm a "social butterfly", which, I had to have a dude tell me "you're the only DUDE i know who is like this". Never thought of it as feminine.
  • I'm a diva.
  • I can't stand the hot. Or the cold. Just keep me inside out of the sun.
  • I Can't stand physical activity.
  • I'm very emotional and moody (sorry some of this is sexist, it's hard to have a list like this and NOT have it be sexist)
  • Hell, At my last job, they "punished" me by moving me into a room that had only females in it. I didn't realize it was supposed to be a punishment. I felt better there. The ladies fed me, were pretty, and I got to look at boobs & butts & legs & eyes & hair all day, every day. Punish me harder! Maybe you have a room with EVEN MORE WOMEN in it?! If I miss a deadline, will you send me to the playboy mansion?
So yeah. There were some signs. Nothing definitive enough in and of itself. I don't feel strongly gendered in general, so it was hard to suss out and fully believe that I was trans. I thought I was just awesome. And I was right about that. Except for my dishonesty with myself.
So there's been a ton of feminine-gendered things about me my entire life. But everyone is a mashup of femme and masc traits, and your preferences don't ACTUALLY determine your gender, and all genders are free to do ALL THE THINGS, so I always just wrote off these aspects as me being larger than life and having enough of a personality to cover both genders. That was part of my trans denial (I have a whole side-writing on denial to share later).
Doubts, doubts, and more doubts.
--------- ***** BACK TO THE SELF-IDENTITY DRAWING-BOARD: ***** ---------
So....Yeah... Fuck these doubts. I can't ignore this thing. It's been going on way longer than I've realized. I've tried to steer clear of it, but it's NOT fucking happening. I've been destined to be trapped under it. In avoiding this trap, I've unwittingly trapped myself anyway! (Devi lyrics: "For the last 21 years.") Shit. Didn't see that coming.
Although I'm mostly done figuring things out, but the process never actually ends. Everything, including the totality of this post, is subject to change. But it probably won't. It probably fucking won't. This is basically the conclusion of a 43-year experiment, and you're reading the thesis.
So here I am. I've always been this way, but I just haven't been able to fucking own it like I should. I didn't even know about the option until I was a teenager. I wish I had. It could have saved my life. And now I'm embarrassed about having been embarrassed. There's no elegant way out of this. I can never save my life; I can only salvage what's left. There's no repairing the wasted past. That cannot be saved. And that's going to be most of my existence that was wasted -- I'm 43. I am NOT living another 43 years, to age 86. Not with MY genes and lifestyle. All I can do is salvage the tiny piece that's left. I've got like 10 years of beauty to milk.
So anyway. I am transgender. I am trans. I am transfeminine. I am a transwoman.
This also means I prefer female pronouns. Though they feel weird, like shoes that haven't been broken in yet. (NoMeansNo lyrics: "But I'll get used to it. I have to.")
But "he" is starting to feel weird. And I'm starting to feel like I'm crossdressing when I'm wearing male clothes, instead of the other way around. And I never really expected that. But I got there so easily. And it's wonderful. I just had to let go of myself.
It's quite empowering to become my true self, but Clio will never make Clint's salary... Not even for the same job. Clio will face an increased likelihood of having violence directed against her. Why become the marginalized Clio who can be fired & legally discriminated against just for who she is, when I can disguise myself as the cisgendered heterosexual white male apex predator Clint? I "shouldn't" become the marginalized Clio. But I have to. One can't just will this away. Believe me.... I've tried, and failed, for my entire adult life.
You can't will away who you are -- even if you've never actually gotten a chance to really be that person yet.
(Devi Lyrics: "This is a part of me. // It can not be separated. // Although it looks like a wound--it is not a wound.")
"It's only going to get worse." They keep telling me that!
--------- ***** SO MANY REGRETS: ***** ---------
This is my path, my destiny. The road less traveled. My boulder [127 Hours reference]. The obscure macguffin in the movie of my life up to this point. The last stop on my traincar of personal hell. The {insert long list of additional histrionic dramatic phrases here}. I wish I'd figured this out earlier. Not today in Trump's America. I'd give it all up to have another chance to do it right. But I fucked up my one chance to get this right.
I coulda been hella hotter with hormones at a younger age, but I lacked the self-confidence to believe this. I probably wouldn't have beat up my internal organs with alcohol so much. I probably would have had a longer lifespan. Maybe my autoimmune disease wouldn't have developed.
I wish I hadn't thought therapy was somehow representative of a lack of being able to solve one's own problems. Such stubbornness truly made me my own worst enemy. But not going into therapy only fucked me up more. I had to wait for the "Youtube Therapy" era just to bridge the gap to real therapy. Ironically, by the time I finally went to therapy, I pretty much didn't need it. It turns out that in like 20 years, you can slowly work out like an equivalent of 1 year of therapy on your own, hahahah. Think of the co-pays you could save by slowly wasting your life and solving your problems on your own! (argh!)
My own pride at being independent has held me back so much that, in truth, it caused me to lose my ability to be independent. Oops! There's NO FUCKING WAY I could live without Carolyn right now. This isn't a remark about sweetness, it is a remark about co-dependence and not knowing how to be a fully functional person on my own.
Our house is messier than ever. I'm no longer doing a lot of productive things. I deliberately haven't worked a job in 2 yrs, with no aspirations or plans whatsoever at the moment. I've slowed down in most endeavors to give myself more time to process things to a point of understandingness. To take time for self-care. To take time to work this fuckin' shit out. I've gone back to the egg to regenerate.
It's a fucking lame feelfest over here, guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nobody -- not even me -- wants a part of this bullshit, lol!!!!!!!!!
I feel like all of this can be a fast process with trans people who have strong gender dysphoria. The poster-child strong-dysphoric transperson feels trapped in the wrong body, hates looking at themselves in the mirror, suffers strong depression about it as a child, knows what the fuck they want at a young age, and does something about it. I am not trying to forget or erase their struggle, but merely point out the path to take is more clearly laid out for them. Most transwomen actually have it wayyyyy harder than me. They don't have supportive partners, they have intolerant family, friends, bosses, they aren't financially well off, they have jobs they can lose, they have more strongly-gendered faces or bodies than me, they live in less tolerant areas of the world or country. Their struggle is way more than mine, and I respect and want to help that. But at least they know what direction to point themselves--I did not. My weak dysphoria simply prolonged the process, and added extra depression over waiting too long, never knowing what the fuck to do with myself, and wasting my life. That's so, so bad.
I've had to learn about "gender euphoria", and how some transpeople don't hate their assigned gender, but simply flourish much better in their true gender. I've had to learn about "secondary dysphoria" -- problematic behaviors one might not realize have been caused by gender identity disorder. I had to really do some soul searching to get in touch with myself.
But there ARE good things about my weak dysphoria. It let me at least have a pretend male life long enough to take advantage of male privilege, and establish some kind of life for myself, to create enough stability for me to finally transition now, without taking as much of a risk as most transpeople have to take.
The coward finally has her stage, in front of her pre-purchased audience. She can do her little jig without any risk whatsoever.
--------- ***** RECOGNIZING YOUR OWN SELF-DECAY: ***** ---------
I wish I had told people earlier. I wish I had come clean a long time ago. To myself. To Carolyn (well, she's been privy to all my feelings in these matters for like 17 yrs of our 25 yrs together, but I can't tell her I'm explicitly transgendered if I don't explicitly realize it myself until 2016/2017). I wish I had not gone off and lived a closeted sheltered life. It's only made it harder to connect with people. It's only increased the distance between us. It's only made this situation a harder pill for everyone else to swallow--including myself. It's only eroded my person, and chipped away at the core of my very being, to where I don't even recognize myself anymore.
I remember who I was once. And who that is.... That is not who Clint ended up being. Clint ended up being someone who, one day recently, I realized -- I do not even RECOGNIZE as myself anymore. Not my original, TRUE self. Who was he? / Who was she? I'd lost him. / I'd lost her. It's weird, when you start to become a stranger to yourself. It's very weird. It's an incredibly complex set of feelings that is hard to put words to. "How the fuck did I get here?" "Who am I, really?" It didn't occur to me until 2016 or 2017 that I couldn't remember myself.
(The Church lyrics: "They say that he's famous, from the waist down, but the top half of his body is a corpse. His gold won't buy him sleep, his poverty runs so deep--in winter he cracks, in summer he warps.")
I was just the outside exterior skin of myself, slapped onto a rotting interior. I looked the same on the outside, but I was rotting out on the inside. I'd only known someone well enough to have seen what that looked like in detail exactly once before, and only recently: In Andrea. Andrea gifted me with the most unfortunate, but useful, perspective. The ability to understand how someone's personal problems can cause them to diverge from their native personality. She was most definitely and assuredly was NOT the same girl everyone talked about at her memorial services. They were all full of shit, is how it felt to me. But without a doubt, their stories were true. She had just diverged from the awesome person she had meant to be, and had become filled with a decay that infected her entire person. It was about the worst thing I've seen in my entire life. And I, too, had diverged from the person I had meant to be.
Someone (Mocos Locos) wrote, "I'm not the man I used to be" on facebook, and I suddenly replied that I knew exactly how that felt, even though I had no idea how HE felt. The words resonated with me perfectly. I'm NOT the man I used to be. (It's also a Ween lyric.) Even the "man" part resonated with me.
When you look into your own mind, and remember what "you" felt like, and know that the original "you" doesn't feel like the current "you" -- at all. And that the current "you" is suffering in comparison, and is not as good as a person as the former, true "you"..... and is beaten up, hurt, angry, impatient, unable to connect, unable to BE..............
..............When you look into your own mind, and you realize that who you are is actually a stranger, because you are no longer the original you................
..............that you're kind of a husk............. ..............that you miss yourself.............
You cry for your past self.
Every time you think about this, you cry for your past self.
Every time.
Every time you read these words, you cry for your past self.
Every time.
"Let me out! Let me out! This is not a dance!" (Rick & Morty reference that is actually extremely appropriate.) (Levity needed. That was absolutely the hardest part for me to write.)
For other reasons, I've cried the hardest of my adult life in these past 2 years. I've broken my life-adult cry-record, broken it again, broken it again, broken it again and again. I've lashed out. I've done things that should have gotten me divorced, or arrested (fortunately not both at the same time). These behaviors are in the process of being exterminated (Exterminate! Exterminate!). My tears nowadays are tears of regret, tempered with joy -- gradually turning into tears of joy, tempered with regret. That's about as good as it's ever going to get, and that is an incredible improvement.
The complex web of interdependent issues has been nigh fucking impossible to sort out. I'm still not sure it ever will be fully sorted out! I'm still not sure of anything. I never will be. That's my fucking problem. That's why this took so long. There's no "easy button" for this!
The only way out is through. Break on through to the other side. {I'm seriously slipping a lot of song titles and lyrics into this post, they inspire me.}
-------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------*----
--------- ***** WHAT'S NEXT?: ***** --------------
Fuck if I know. My scumbag brain, and my scumbag body, they do what they choose to do. My consciousness is just along for the ride, often feeling like a helpless rider on a roller-coaster with no seat belt, hanging on for dear life, just trying to survive.
My consciousness has had a fucking beating and a half. A lot of it from myself, and a lot of it from others. I'm damaged. I'm broken. I'm hurt. That's not ever going to change. I'll carry a heavy heart with me forever. You can smooth out the paper and get it flat again, but those creases are never going to go away. I'll never be that same, original, uncreased piece of paper.
But hopefully my brain starts treating my consciousness better. I know that treating my body better--diet and reduced alcohol consumption--has already helped a lot of things. I'm not in constant pain when I sit! Not at first, anyway. Lol
I was disintegrating as a person for years. Now I'm finally re-integrating again. As a new person who is both the same person I've always been, and yet a different enough instance to still be different.
The parts of me that feel good haven't felt this good since the 1900s. The parts of me that feel bad are losing their sway and being forgotten.
There were times -- and more recent than I'd care to admit (because it was the Prius) -- when I half-seriously considered hopping in my car and just driving away -- alone, even without Carolyn -- to Mexico -- leaving everything and everyone behind, not even telling people where I was going, because I couldn't take the various pains of existence anymore. It's a common trans theme, wanting to move away, changing your name, telling no one.
(Ween lyrics: "I couldn't believe... She wanted to leave" ... "So go fetch a bottle of rum dear friends, and fill up my glass to the rim. For I'm not the man I used to be. Now I'm one of them.")
Well, it turns out... Things aren't so bad after all. Not for me. And I don't need that glass filled to the rim, either. Now I'm one of them -- in this case, women. Still too strange for words.
It has been said that you get 2 lives to start with.
The 1st, you're born with -- Your parents, your upbringing, what's imprinted upon you before you gain your own, true, free will.
The 2nd, you make for yourself, when you individuate, grow up, and function as your own, free adult.
The 3rd? You usually don't get one. But I'm atheistically-blessed with a 3rd life, based off not living a lie anymore. I'm so lucky that this is possible. I'm so lucky that I've found the will to be increasingly doing the things that are needed to address my situation. I'm so atheistically-blessed (gonna keep using that phrase, I think). This brings tears to my eyes every time I think about it.
----- ***** WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? ***** -----
I started hormone replacement therapy on 8/1/2017.
A leap of faith, as my sureness level never really "got there" until AFTER I started taking the hormones. I do things backwards, like buy a house before I get married, or have someone move into our bed before we get to know her. This is just another example. Trial-by-fire is one of my preferred methods of determining if something is a mistake or not. And it wasn't.
50mg spirolactinone 2X a day as an anti-androgen to stop testosterone production and most likely (75%) end male sexual function in the long run. Yikes. It's not like in the pornos, y'know. When you realize you're willing to do that, yea, you might be trans. (Though there may be hormone tweaks around that, it's probably not gonna be part of my newsfeed haha.)
2mg estradiol 1X day. That's estrogen. Which I take sublingually, against dr's advice, because I think I know better than her. She's all concerned about clotting because of my pro-clotting mutation discovered by my 23AndMe genetic sequencing. But the liver creates most of its clotting agents during first-pass liver metabolizing, and taking things sublingually bypasses first-pass liver metabolism for a good 50% or more of the pill, while also granting higher average blood serum levels..... So I don't know why my endocrinologist would tell me to "not believe the rumors about taking it sublingually". I honestly don't know why anyone would want to deal with the estrogen spikes of injectibles, because when your estrogen is super-high, your body can convert the overage to testosterone. But some say they give better breast feminization. But what about progesterone? (Yes, I know a lot about this shit, and I've been researching it since before you ever knew it existed. And probably before you knew how to research things online, too.)
Breast growth in just 5 weeks. That's a good sign. Sooner means bigger, bigger is better. Thanks, Mom! I don't want a boobjob, but I'll take the free ones Carolyn's work offers, if the administrative hoop jumping isn't too circus-like.
The hormone regimen has created a habit that is making me finally take all those other vitamins and supplements that I've meant to take my whole life, but never do. Some of these bottles were bought 10 yrs ago, a lot bought this year. My vitamin D levels are within healthy range for the first time since I ever started caring. And of course the Truvada that makes it 99% harder to transmit HIV (and costs us $0) is never missed. But I'm even doing fish oil and baby aspirin. It turns out that increasing self-care in one area makes you increase self-care in other areas. I now take like 25 pills a day -- and only 3 are for my gender.
I'm finishing up / slowing down on the talk-therapy.
The 3 I saw have helped me...some...but not as much as I can help myself by just sitting in front of my computer, reading and writing about things myself (like this document). The 3rd one was finally interactive enough that I didn't feel like I was just talking to myself. 2 of them were trans. The 3rd one was trans and poly and kinky and a burner, well, some of you know her, it turns out. But none of them are going to say "Don't do this, Clio. Don't." It's almost annoying that they won't, because I WANTED somebody to save me from the inconvenience of this, haha. I was bouncing from therapist to therapist hoping to find a devil's advocate who would tell me that I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, and that I should not do this. [SORRY OUTTA ROOM YOU GOTTA CLICK THROUGH FOR THE REST]
submitted by ClintJCL to comingout [link] [comments]


2016.07.28 10:03 secretagentpoyo Good Ol' Dysphoria

There's this transwoman I have a crush on. I'll call her NJ. She's funny and beautiful and smart. I like her a lot. I wish we could date, but she's waiting for her green card to go throng so she can stay in the country. I didn't make my intentions or crush known to her because I'm a very cautious person when it comes to dating in general. I also haven't had an honest-to-God crush on someone in a while, so it's been really nice having that little happy thing floating around in my brain.
This past Saturday, a few friends (a transwoman and a her cis girlfriend), NJ, and I were hanging out. They were imbibing, I had just gotten there from work and had work the next morning too so I wasn't. Some time around 1:15am, they decide it's time to go to the sex toy shop that's still open this late. Okay, cool. I'm not bothered by sex shops. I think they're pretty interesting even if I don't buy anything.
So we go and it's okay. Still tired and my friends are being really weird (probably because they're drunk). But we get over to where the silicon stuff is and NJ starts poking at a packer on display on the shelf.
"Who would want one of these things?!"
Ouch.
"I have one. They're not meant for sex. They're meant for show. Kind of like how you stuff your bra."
She understood and we moved on, mostly because the store was closing, but I could sense the dysphoria setting in.
We get back to the house and I'm chilling on the couch while they're all chatting in the kitchen, still talking about sex. It's been a while for me and I don't have much experience, so I didn't really feel like participating in the discussion. It's mostly NJ talking anyway. And it's stuff you definitely brag to your friends about. But then when NJ is talking about masturbation with toys, I hear:
"Why would you ever have a fake one when you could have the real thing?"
And that stung. Really, really badly.
I kept trying to remind myself that maybe she was taking about masturbation and how being alone doesn't compare to being with someone else. But all I heard was, "You will never be enough."
I don't plan to have phalloplasty. It's too expensive and science isn't where I want it yet. (I want that natural morning wood, yo.) So I've come to terms with my genitals and my vagina and everything down there and I'm quite content with it. Sure, I wish I could know the feeling of getting a natural erection and penetrating a partner with something I don't have to literally strap on, but I'll live.
Yet. Yet.
It sent me for a tailspin.
To hear that from another transperson? Especially someone who just earlier had said to me how much she admires transmen? It was a sucker punch to the gut. I couldn't believe what I had heard.
I didn't say anything. I don't know if I would've had the words at the time if I even tried. I still don't have the words for how much this hurt me.
I left the house early that night upset and dysphoric and despite having two other trans people there, I had no one to talk to about it.
Instead, I posted in an online (entirely cis) support group I'm in for comedians in LA. They've been really wonderful and kind and supportive so I posted what happened from my parked car, having just barely left the house. It was definitely not the community I should've talked to about it. One guy compared my dysphoria and the transphobia I face in dating to his erectile dysfunction. Due to the nature of the group, I didn't feel comfortable telling him point-blank that our experiences were not at all the same. While he can take a pill and have an erection, some people straight up will not date me because I don't have a penis. Sure, there could be some people who won't date someone with ED, but you bet your ass those numbers are wildly disproportionate. I understand he was trying to relate and make me feel less alone, but all I felt was anger and frustration.
So here I am. Still lonely, sad, frustrated, and dysphoric. I want to talk to someone other than my therapist about it (preferably another AFAB person) because while I want to hope she meant solo masturbation with toys, most of me doesn't believe that.
I guess I'm looking for some feelings validation or maybe suggestions on how to talk about this with others (not necessarily her). She's allowed to feel the way she does and I'm not sure she'd even remember saying it. I think a lot of this, including how hurt I feel, is colored by my crush on her. I don't want to give up my happy little thing, but this is certainly a big thing that has made me not like her so much.
submitted by secretagentpoyo to ftm [link] [comments]


2016.02.09 16:44 buddzy help edify a clueless cis dude

I'm 100% heterosexual cis male. I only know one transperson. He was someone I was very good friends with when we were kids. We lost touch toward the end of middle school. Now we're in our 20s. We recently reconnected online, and to my complete surprise, he is now a she. I've never interacted with a transperson before. So I've never had a reason until now to try to understand all this trans stuff.
I'm college educated, open-minded, and secular humanist. I have gay friends, I dated a bisexual girl once, and I've voted for marriage equality. I'm not a prick. I care about people. Human suffering in any form troubles me. On most issues I'm super liberal, like almost socialist. But on the issue of transgenderism, I feel like one of those really old white people who still calls black people "negroes" or "colored folks." I've spent my life slowly but surely rejecting my right wing Christian upbringing in order to get to where I am now ideologically, so on one hand I feel like understanding and accepting transgenderism is the logical next step in that process. But on the other hand, transgenderism is something that has always struck me as fundamentally incomparable to any other sort of thing by which one might be discriminated against.
So part of me thinks, if I just had the right information, I could go from ignorance to acceptance on this issue in much the same way I came to understand homosexuality nearly twenty years ago. But another part of me thinks maybe, deep down, I really am one of those well-intentioned yet hopelessly bigoted old people when it comes to the issue of transgenderism. I hope not, and I see that as potentially being a huge conflict in my ideological framework. Especially now that I actually know a transperson personally.
Some of you are going to hate me, but this is the Internet, so whatever. Your answers might help me become more sympathetic to the trans community, or they might reveal an irreconcilable bigotry in me that I had no idea I was capable of. That said, the following questions are coming from a place of benign ignorance and earnest curiosity. I don't mean anything as an attack on anyone's personal identity. But if you feel attacked and want to respond in kind, you're welcome to do so without fear of further retaliation from me. I'm only here to learn about your community, not argue with it. So without further ado, here are my questions:
Is transgenderism a product of nature or nurture, or both? Is there a scientific consensus? What is your opinion based on your personal experience? At what age did you realize you were trans?
My sexual orientation makes a distinction between cis women and transwomen. Should I alter my sexual orientation to be inclusive of transwomen, or should I accept that there is a legitimate distinction to be made?
Why is the trans community coupled with the LGB community? One is about gender identity and the other is about sexual orientation. I could see why they might be political allies. I can see how someone could be a member of both. But I've never understood why these two distinguishable groups have apparently been combined into a single LGBT community.
If a pre-op transman commits a crime worthy of a prison sentence, should he go to male prison or female prison? If a pre-op transwoman commits a crime worthy of a prison sentence, should she go to male prison or female prison?
Should a transwoman athlete be allowed to compete in female sports leagues? Even mixed martial arts?
Do any transpeople who undergo gender-(reassignment? confirmation?) therapy ever consider taking it a step further in terms of extra genitalia? What's stopping someone from having four boobs or two penises or both a penis and a vagina? Or some kind of altogether novel genitalia?
Are there any cases of parents who actually put pressure on their child to conform to transgender roles? I once met a single mother having lunch at a pub with her son who was dressed as a boy, looked like a boy, and talked like a boy, but she referred to him as a "she," her "daughter," and they both used the women's restroom. My impression was that maybe she had always wanted a daughter but got a son instead. Are there any cases where a transgender child grows up and "changes their mind" and reverts to cis gender?
When I talk about old times with my transgendered friend, how am I supposed to refer to her? Back then, she was a he. He had a male name and did male things. Am I supposed to alter my memories and replace the old name and pronoun with the new ones?
How do you deal with childhood friends and family who have a difficult time accepting your new name and pronoun after knowing you by your former name and pronoun for so many years? How do you deal with childhood friends and family who outright refuse to use your new name and pronoun? In my friend's case, she didn't just pick a female name, she picked a stripper name. And no, she doesn't strip or model or perform in any way shape or form. It's not a stage name, it's her new, legal name. And she doesn't put much effort into passing as female. But I've seen her get pretty upset about being referred to as a "he." Between the strong pronoun preference, the unconvincing appearance, the stripper name, and our past history, I'm finding it very difficult to be comfortable just talking to her online. If I say "he," she gets upset. When I say "she" I feel like it's in spite of my own sensory perception, memory, and logic. I feel like Captain Picard being told there are five lights.
Edit: I converted all the uses of "he/she" to "she" to make it easier for you all to read. Still makes me feel like Picard when I write it though. :(
submitted by buddzy to asktransgender [link] [comments]


2015.01.13 15:22 shiny_happy_people I [23/F] am confused about my sexual relationships and am not sure what to do next

I've been thinking about posting this for a while, and have finally built up the courage. Please be kind - this is really important to me and I'm genuinely and vulnerably trying to figure this out. Any help/thoughts/advice/musings will be appreciated!
When I was 15, I had only had boyfriends, but was thinking about sex and what I found attractive and realized that I could be attracted to a person of any gender or sex. I did research and found the term "pansexual," and it felt right to me, so that's how I have identified ever since. But, I have still only really been with men.
BEING WITH MEN I have had long-term boyfriends/partners, and have dated casually, and hooked up with quite a few men over the years, and honestly, sex has never been particularly enjoyable for me. Even with my most recent ex, we were together for a long time and loved each other deeply, but it was still never that great for me. I always love the build up, get really wet and into it, but as soon as touching/oral/penetration actually begins, I just try to do the right thing and make the right sounds so it'll be over as soon as possible. Some of the guys have tried to focus on me, make it not be "over as soon as possible," but I always feel uncomfortable with that. Both because I don't want to be the focus, and because I feel like I should be pleasuring them, not the other way around. (This is really weird for me, because I'm a feminist and believe in mutual pleasure-giving, but that perspective doesn't seem to carry out in my own experiences.)
I think a lot of this is due to the fact that I have been sexually assaulted by a man and made to feel like a sexual object to men quite a bit in my life, and that results in me feeling like my "sexual duty" or whatever is to take the focus off of me and just make him feel good. It makes sense that I wouldn't like casual sex or sex with a man I don't know well or care about very much. But it extends to all men I've been with, even ones I loved. I have only had an orgasm with a man twice in my life, but I cum on my own very regularly, so it's not physical. For many years, I have felt broken, like I clearly like men and am a very sexual person, but can't seem to enjoy sex. Everyone else seems to enjoy sex, even/especially casual sex, so this is one of the issues I'm struggling with at the moment.
MY SEXUAL FANTASIES For years, my sexual fantasies have included men and women. Sometimes it's a big, strong man doing lovely, sexy things to/with me, sometimes it's a sexy lady receiving immense pleasure from a man or woman, sometimes it's two or three ladies really enjoying each other, and sometimes it's a man really enjoying doing sexy things to a lady (his pleasure seems to get me off). All I have to do is think of boobs and I'm heating up, ready to go. Hence my thinking that I'm attracted to women too.
MY ROMANTIC FANTASIES I love people, and in my mind, a person's sex or gender is not going to affect whether or not I love them. It may very well be a part of who they are - I'm not saying I ignore sex or gender - but regardless of their identity, in my mind, I could love them. I'm a sexual person and in my fantasies, just being with a person feels amazing.
BEING WITH WOMEN Despite all this, and despite going to a college that is VERY LGBTQ-friendly with lots of ladies loving ladies all around, AND despite living in freaking San Francisco right now, I can't seem to find women to date, or even hook up with. I have done online dating for years, but the most I've ever done with a women is go on a few dates (barely breaking the touch barrier) before realizing that I don't really like her. This has happened with three women over the past three years. The third woman I dated, we made out once, but I didn't really feel anything from it.
WHERE I AM NOW I've been thinking a lot about what I'm actually looking for. I believe I could be with someone of any sex or gender, but things are also really binaried in my head sometimes. When I think of being with a man, I picture a big, tall, strong man (physically and emotionally) who will protect me and make me feel safe. When I think of being with a woman, I think of a feminine woman (I, too, am feminine) with whom I can cuddle and giggle and we can be equals and best friends and have really hot sex. (Typically, I date neither - most of the men I've dated have been thin and/or short, and emotionally complex (like me - at the end of the day, someone's physical appearance is no where near as important as who they are, even for casual dating), and I haven't felt a connection with the few women I've dated.)
When you look at this, it makes sense. I'm studying to be a therapist, and am a giver and helper in my life, so it makes sense that I want someone who can just protect ME. And that is apparently a man, in my mind. I also have been abused and made to feel inferior in the past, so it makes sense that I want someone who can be my equal, and we can lean on each other and respect each other. And that is apparently a woman, in my mind. What I've come to realize/decide just recently is that I need to make it less about the person, and the gender of the person, and more about the relationship I'm looking for. I want to find a relationship in which I can feel protected AND equal and respected - finding that should be my goal, and I can find that in the body of a man, woman, transperson, non-identified person, or anyone else.
I like this conclusion. It takes the pressure off. And it will likely lead to a positive sexual experience, if I really do feel those things. But there's that part of me that thinks maybe the reason I haven't enjoyed sex isn't because of my internal and emotional stuff, maybe it's because they're men. Maybe I get turned on by men, but maybe I really just want to have sex with women. But I wouldn't know, because I've never had sex with a woman. So I put a lot of pressure on myself to find a woman to have sex with as soon as possible so I can figure it all out. But I don't want to have sex with someone for the sake of it - I want to foster a connection and respect and sleep with them for who they are, not because of their body parts. I've tried online dating, going to queer spaces, meeting women in public, but it rarely amounts to anything.
So, some questions for you. What's the deal with my rarely enjoying sex with men, despite being attracted to them and enjoying the build up? Should I continue trying to find a woman or non-man person to be with to learn more about myself? Even though I've been trying to do that for eight years to no avail? Or do I just stop and calm down and look for that relationship I'm looking for, and trust that I'll be able to have a wonderful sex life with whomever that person is?
EDIT: I have been in therapy for years, and talk openly with my close friends about all of this, so I'm definitely receiving support and am taking care of my mental health. I'm just posting here because I feel like you all could have some awesome insight/thoughts that haven't come up elsewhere. Thanks so much for your help!
tl;dr: I identify as pansexual, but have only been with men (and have been unsatisfied), don't know how to date women, and really just want a good relationship with good sex.
submitted by shiny_happy_people to relationships [link] [comments]


2013.09.03 11:56 myuppvoteaccount My NMom went NC with me (In fact she begged my dad to ask me never to contact her again)

There are often posts about going no contact and how to initiate it. My Nmom was actually the one who went NC with me after I started standing up for myself and confronting her about her abusive behavior. The beauty of my NC story is that much of it happened over e-mail so there's a solid record of it. Even the parts that happened over phone are quoted in the e-mails because I was calling her out on the shit she'd said. Three some years after she sent me an e-mail telling me to never contact me again, she sent me a FB message that I've posted about before, that I promptly ignored.
I've decided to share those e-mails from 2009 that lead to NC with this subreddit because I hope they will help other people suffering from toxic parents.
For some background: before this e-mail exchange I was already very low contact with NMom. The last we'd spoken was when I called her to tell her I came out as transgender and had already started living as a man. The conversation lasted about 5 minutes in which she basically said I was an adult who could do what I want and then she changed the subject to herself and what was happening in her life. So... no actual reaction to my coming out. No questions, no interest, no nothing. Silence for 2 months and then this:
E-mail from N-Mom to me:
*I don't know if this is still your email, but I'll give it a try!
I wanted to let you know that [Younger Sister] got a letter inviting her to the scholarship luncheon--so she got some money for college! She also has a date for Prom, and a dress--very exciting stuff. Her cap and gown are here, too--and her announcements. She leaves for [University] on June 6--will be gone for about 5 weeks.
I also wanted to let you know (in case dad hasn't) that I am job hunting all over the country--have two interviews at Texas schools this week--wish me luck (phone interviews). I am also presenting my college admissions program at a big regional conference in Kansas City two days in a row next week. I will be handing out resumes there, too.
Dad is not going to move with me, so I will be living solo for the first time in my life--at age 50--what a change! I am seeing a great counselor weekly to help me adjust.
Did you know that [Older Brother] is going to Iraq at the end of June? He will be in some sort of combat group--he left the JAG office and is now learning to shoot things from a Humvee and play with explosives.
[Older Sister] is slogging through the end of the school year, coaching cross country and trying to get through [Husband]'s second work trip to Taiwan. (he is there until May I think).
Hope your prospects for next year work out. love, momma*
Reply from Me to NMom:
Hey there,
That's great that [Younger Sister] got a scholarship, hope that eases the burden somewhat. I'm sure she will have a great time at prom.
Good luck with your job interviews and the presentation in KC. I hope you find something you will enjoy.
[Older Brother] invited me down for a visit in June but I'll still be here finishing up my term as it ends June 30th. Sounds like he's having a good time and doesn't seem too worried about going abroad.
I heard [Older Sister] applied to graduate school? Haven't had a chance to ask her about it yet. It's pretty cool that they've decided to do some traveling in their 20s.
I heard back from one of my scholarships to stay here in Denmark and it was a no, but there's one more out there I have yet to hear from so there's still the possibility. Also waiting to hear from [University]. Otherwise I'm just going to try to land some employment in New Mexico.
I started my hormone replacement therapy for my transition and that's going well. I got a 9 month supply to start with so even if I have to go back to the States this summer, I'll have some time before I have to find a transfriendly doc. I'm part of an international transmen support group online and they're absolutely awesome about sharing information and several of them live in NM, so I'm not worried about that very much. It'll be a few more weeks yet before my voice starts to change. I'm looking forward to a deep voice but not to the teenageboy voice cracking! Ah well, and thus begins my second adolescence.
Thanks for the update, [myuppvoteaccount]
ps Remember how we talked about how I wasn't all that fond of "[Last Name]" as a last name? I've given some thought to a suitable replacement and I'm toying with "[Alternative Last Name]." Name of my hometown and [Removed for Privacy]. Seemed fitting. What do you think of it?
Nmom's Reply to Me:
*I hope the Denmark money comes through--or the [University] job.
It seems like you are moving awfully fast on the hormone therapy....it's just such a serious change....I just worry/wonder if maybe you shouldn't slow things down a little---live the lifestyle longer before doing anything permanent. Are you seeing a talk-therapist at all? I know it's none of my biz--I'm just concerned.
[Older Sister] is hoping to start grad school in late June.
I think whatever name you pick is up to you. (I'm still liking [Old Girl Name], but that's just the mom in me).*
My reply to NMom:
Yeah, it would be nice to stay in school, but I'm sure things will work out either way.
I lived in role for 3 months and was evaluated by two doctors before being given a prescription. You can read about my healthcare management here if you'd like www.nickgorton.org.
Living the lifestyle without going on with treatment can jeopardize both my psychological well-being and my physical safety. First of all, for me it is impossible to completely "live the lifestyle" because society does not see me as a 23 year old man, when they see me they see a 15 year old boy. I cannot answer a phone or say hello to a stranger and them possibly believe I have the voice of a man. The same goes for my smooth face. I am confronted with these problems every single day. The result is having to come out as transgender to just about every single person I meet, which is not only uncomfortable and awkward it defeats the whole purpose. In the next couple years I'm going to be either working toward an advanced degree or in a professional job and it will simply not be acceptable to look and sound like a teenager. In the U.S. "living the lifestyle" can be nearly a death sentence with a 1 in 12 chance of being murdered. Have you seen Boys Don't Cry-- the film about Brandon Teena? While I welcome your concern as it's an expression of love, it's a little misplaced.
Besides those practicalities-- I need the hormone treatment. You have no idea what it feels like to live with body dysphoria, but you're welcome to research it if you'd like. The treatment is designed to help relieve some of that and let me live a normal life in society as the gender I feel I am.
I am a member of 3 support groups and they are helping me work through the changes and challenges of this disorder.
As for the name... I was referring to a surname- [Alternative Last Name] instead of [Last Name]. [Old Girl Name] is lovely, but you're just going to have to let that one go.
The MIT Trans Allies Toolkit http://web.mit.edu/trans/alliestoolkit.html Is a great resource for people who have a transperson in their lives, particularly the recommended reading list.To that list I would also add: The Testosterone Files: My Hormonal and Social Transformation from Female to Male by Max Wolf Valeri Just Add Hormones: An Insider's Guide to the Transsexual Experience by Matt Kailey Transmen and FTMs: Identities, Bodies, Genders, and Sexualities by Jason Cromwell Self-Made Men: Identity and Embodiment among Transsexual Men by Henry Rubin
NMom's reply to Me:
*Obviously you have done lots of research. It sounds like you are finding all sorts of pertinent information.
You are right, I have absolutely no idea what it's like to be you.
I wish you well and good luck with the job/grad school plans.*
My Reply to Nmom:
I don't get you. Why do you do this? Why do you go through the bother of contacting me just to be rude to me? The really nasty part is that you stick the jabs in in between supposedly nice things. For example, why on Earth would say that about preferring the name [Old Girl Name]? Did you have a point? What exactly did you expect me to say to that jab? Oh yes, [Old Girl Name], sounds like a lovely name for a man, you're right I think I'll keep it o_O And this extra emphatic phrase you've stuck in now "You are right, I have absolutely no idea what it's like to be you." I know you. I know what tone of voice you use when you say those words because I've heard you say them before and it's not nice. It's mean and disdainful and just plain ridiculous. You wish me well? Really? Because it didn't sound like it.
I get that you have no understanding left for me. You made that very clear a long time ago. I'm not asking for your understanding any more. I don't want your understanding. I couldn't care less. So why don't you just knock it off with these little jabs that are meant to say that you don't get me, you don't understand me and you're not interested in getting me or understanding me.
I don't call you very often or email you for a reason. I know you're going to spew mean, unsupportive shit and think that's OK because you've sandwiched it between two sentences of approval about my academic goals or whatever. Your approval means nothing to me anymore. I don't care if you think me going to [University] is fantastic or the worst idea ever. Want to know why? Because no one on this planet ever had any idea what you are going to approve or disapprove of! You try to use approval as a means of controlling people, giving it and taking it and changing it even from day to day so you know what? You just suck at it. And I'm not playing that game anymore.
Every time I try to be nice to you. Every time I try to build something, some semblance of a relationship with you, you're determined to sabotage it. Because it would have just killed you to say "Thanks [New Male Name] for those suggestions. I'll look into one or two of them so I can have a better understanding of what you're going through and be there for you. It's going to take me some time to adjust, but I love you and want you in my life whether you're [New Male Name] or [Old Girl Name]"
No, no the very very best you can manage to choke out is an acknowledgment that my decisions are beyond your control ("You're an adult and there's nothing I can do about it")and then a nasty comment or two months later about the faults in my decisions (your "concern" about the pace of my transition).
Seriously [Nmom's First Name]? What the fuck is your problem? It is absolutely impossible for you to be nice to me. Give me one good reason why I should be civil to you when you throw shit at me? You used up EVERY SINGLE get out of jail free card you possibly possessed the day I called you right after I was released from the hospital for a suicide attempt and the first fucking words out of your mouth were "We would sure like our daddy back. We need him to hang Christmas lights. So whenever you're done with him, we'd like him back."
BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU TO ASK HOW I WAS DOING!!!!
Absolutely no amount of diaper-changing, hours in labor or any other sacrifices you made on my behalf can make up for that. You can't get that moment back and redo it. You can't apologize that moment away. You can't cry it away. You stopped being my mother that day. I stopped loving you. You lost any right you had to be a part of my life. Any part at all. Any access you have to me and my life any more is a privilege and one single more remark like what you just sent me and that privilege is gone.
NMom's Reply to Me:
do not contact me again.
My Reply to NMom:
Yeah, I'm angry. Yeah, we have a fucked up relationship. But anything I just said to you that you didn't like you have said things that were 10 times worse to me. You have even slapped me. When I was 8 years old you threw me on the kitchen floor, held me down and slapped my face until I was hyperventilating so bad I could no longer feel my hands and feet. Did you just block that one out? Because I didn't. I have never NEVER hit you. I have never called you a threat to the security of my family.
You want to walk away from this? You can't face the nasty mess you created? You can't own up for the consequences of what you've done and said to me?
You don't get to tell me what to do anymore. This is not going to end with you telling me not to contact you anymore (ironically as it was since you were the one who contacted me). This is going to end with you refusing to admit that you have said and done things that no mother should ever have said or done. This is going to end with you refusing to treat me like a human being. This is going to end with you admitting that you are incapable of respecting my autonomy. Because I am no longer going to take your crap in silence. If you piss me off, I'm going to tell you. If you cross a boundary, I'm going to call you out on it. I will not be your puppet any longer. I learned how to stand up for myself and fight back.
Clearly since you can no longer control me you want nothing more to do with me. Your choice. Your loss.
Email From NMom to Dad, Forwarded By Dad to Me:
*[Dad's First Name]--Please, please please ask her to leave me alone. I don't know what life she lived. I don't recognize this person or hehis life.
I truly was not trying to set him/ her off--believe me, that is the VERY LAST thing I needed right now.
Just please please please -- I'm begging you-- ask hehim to leave me be.*
Email From Dad to Me:
[Old Girl Name] -
I've got to admit, I don't see what it is in:
"Obviously you have done lots of research. It sounds like you are finding all sorts of pertinent information. You are right, I have absolutely no idea what it's like to be you. I wish you well and good luck with the job/grad school plans. "
... that deserved the response that you sent her. If you don't want to share news or have contact, then don't make contact or don't respond. If you want to work out issues with her, I can't think of a worse way to start. If you don't want to work out issues with her, then (again) don't bring up the issues or don't make contact. If you do want to work out issues with her, and she doesn't, then you are just out of luck.
I agree with Mom/[NMom's Firstname] that she doesn't need to involve herself in a "conversation" like that.
-- Dad
REST OF THE STORY IN THE COMMENTS
submitted by myuppvoteaccount to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]


2012.04.08 05:28 Confusedthrowaway654 This could never work, could it? (18f, 26m)

I'm eighteen, female. They're twenty six and female... for the moment.
So for the past few weeks, I've been doing a lot of soul searching and slowly coming to the tentative conclusion that I’m either a lesbian, or heavily bisexually inclined towards women (terrifying, but starting to accept the fact and feeling better about this). A few days after this conclusion, I found out someone who I am very close to- we’ll call her Sam for the moment- told me that she is transgendered, and is looking into making the ftm transition.
For a year, Sam and I have had a great friendship. We met online on a video game (MMO) and our personalities clicked and we did a ton of collaborative writing together. Like a ton, every day for at least a year, anything and everything (think of Mal and Cobb being in Limbo together in Inception, haha, it was kind of like that). At the time, the thought of liking her was never even in my head. She was older than me, getting married, etc. She and another friend of mine visited back in November, so before anyone says anything, she’s legit. :p The visit was really fun and nothin’ went on, but I was very glad they both visited because I had this feeling that things were going to change soon. And jesus, was I right.
Recently our relationship has been on the rocks. She quit the game we were playing together and made it seem like she didn’t want to do anything with me anymore, when in reality she was just bored of the game we were playing (however, she didn’t make that clear). I reacted badly, worse than I thought I should, and this is what made me examine my feelings and try and pin down what and who I am. For me, I form deep, emotional bonds with women and don’t click with men at all, but I like how men look (I like how women look, too, but guys make me go “Dayum he’s hot!!”). I’ve seriously been a wreck, and while our friendship is slowly on the mend, I haven't been any better emotionally.
Hilariously, the person who made me examine my feelings/sexuality and realize that I like women is not, in fact, a woman (although keep in mind that this realization was separate of her; I have always been a tomboy, had crushes on several women in the past, this was kind of the event that made the lightbulb go "ping!"). I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. But the more I realize how our relationship has changed, the more I like realize I like her (I’m trying very hard to use appropriate pronouns... She’s made no transitions yet (by just starting I mean JUST starting) so I’ll refer to her as a woman for now). She is incredibly kind, caring, and compassionate but not overly sweet and very down to earth and sensible with a great sense of humor... She’s also eight years older than me, in the middle of a divorce, and wants to start dating her best friend, which is not me. When I found that out (I read her reddit comments), something in me just kinda... Broke.
I want to help her through this transition. I want to be there for her. Our personalities just mesh so damn well I could see myself being content to spend years with her. I like how guys look, I like her personality... I could see it working so easily. But I know it won’t. Eight years is such a big age gap.. I feel like a kid next to her, sometimes, but at the same time sometimes I DON’T. Most of the time, I feel like her equal.
I don’t know. I need advice. I know in reality it was never meant to be but I keep thinking, "Maybe in a few years, maybe if it doesn't work out with her friend..."
I just don't know.
tl;dr: I have a crush on a married-getting-divorced transperson who wants to date someone else.
submitted by Confusedthrowaway654 to relationships [link] [comments]


2012.04.07 20:37 Sleepwalks Trying to deal with figuring this out, and freaking the crap out. Lots of questions. I'm 26 and scared of beginning the ftm transition.

When I was a little kid, my parents refused to explain anything to me about sexuality. Even just the basic hetero mechanics. As an egghead little kid, I went to dictionaries and encyclopedias to figure out where the hell babies came from, but I didn't really know what to look up... so I just kind of browsed. That was how I stumbled across the idea of what a transexual was. I read the definition, someone who felt they had been born of the wrong gender. I still remember it specifically-- I was in third grade, waiting in line at the library, hunched over the big fat display dictionary that happened to be flipped open to the T's. Even as a small kid, I felt relieved that there was something to describe what I felt, and it was a real thing.
I started to act out as a male at that point, and it was quickly squelched-- My parents are evangelical christians, and they were having none of that. I caved to it, and it's taken me years to figure myself out, again. It wasn't until college that I accepted the fact that I was attracted to women, and now, at 26, I'm still not out of the closet. I'm close... if people ask me, I will tell them the truth, but I'm nowhere close to telling my parents. But that's not what this is about.
Right now, I'm out of college, working full time, and in the middle of a messy divorce. I'm having to look once again at myself, and the fact that living as a female is just leaving me empty. I'm not female. I never have been. I have no problem with women-- I love them! I love their bodies, and I love the spirits of my female friends. But when people refer to me as female, it just feels like a chip has been taken out of me. I was born this way, and this is how everyone sees me, because I've given them no reason not to. Those little chips are adding up, and I'm not sure how much longer I can stay like this. But transitioning? It's terrifying.
I have been researching and trying to learn more about what life is like after transition... And all I've really found is that you go from being a square peg in the round hole of your given gender, to being a square peg in the round hole of society. We're the butt of jokes in mainstream society, and from the things I've been reading, there's still huge problems with transphobia in the lgbt community. It was scary enough thinking “Hey, I'm a lesbian in Oklahoma,” since our community seems to be compromised of a strip of shitty clubs in a bad part of town. But at least there was that. But trans? Where the hell do I go? How can I get close to anyone, if even our own lgbt community doesn't know what to do with us?
I just don't know what to do. Even if I got surgery, I'd never be a functioning male. I'm never going to have the body I think I should've been born with. I don't want to keep moving forward as a female, but if I started trying to pass for male, it just seems like a goal I'm never going to attain. I won't be a normal guy, ever. When I drop my pants, it's going to be evident. I have no idea how I can pursue females without outright saying “Hey, I don't have a cock,” from the beginning, which kind of ruins the whole idea of passing. Not every girl I date is going to be someone that will last, and I'm an idiot if I think word wouldn't get around.
I won't even get started on how my family will react. They've already told me they think that gay children ruin their parents lives, so I have no hope for them understanding me being male.
I'm freaking the living shit out.
Right now, I'm trying to just calm myself down and focus on the future. Once the divorce is finished, I'm planning on quitting my job and going to Australia on a backpacking visa and doing part time work while I'm over there. Rather drastic change, but the ex-husband said I'd never get there without his help. So fuck him, I've always wanted to go, and I'm going. I'm hoping that this will be an opportunity to try living as male in a place where no one knows me, and I don't have to deal with worries about family, friends, and coworkers. The idea is still terrifying, but I really want to try. Once I get there, the same fears still apply, though... How the hell do you connect with people without blabbing about what you've got in your pants, and simultaneously not feel deceptive if they end up having feelings for you, or wanting to hook up?
Also, in a more practical arena of questions, how do you get testosterone? I've heard of ftm transpeople getting on testosterone and having their voice change and whatnot. I'd like that, but I'd also just like the benefit it gives you for building muscle mass as I work out and prepare for my trip. I don't know where to go or what to say to get some, though. Is is prescription? Or will workout supplements that claim to boost testosterone work?
And finally, how the hell do you handle basic day to day stuff? What bathroom do you go in? What to you say on a job application form, when they ask you for your gender?
Sorry, I know this is really long. Hopefully it's not offputting. It's a complex issue for me, and I don't know how to simplify it any more. All I know is that a friend online called me “he” for the first time this week, and it was just like some one was melting a candle of calm down my spine. I just want more of that, but I don't know if I can handle everything else that comes with it. I'm not brave, not in this.
TL;DR: FtM transperson has a very wordy panic attack, doesn't know how to get testosterone, what gender to put on forms, where to pee, how to handle relationships, or how to deal with feeling like there is no place for him in society, outside of shitty clubs.
submitted by Sleepwalks to asktransgender [link] [comments]


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